How to Be a Writer

In a bowl, sprinkle Colonel Sanders' secret recipe seven herbs and spices over Lucky Charms you have stolen from a leprechaun. Pour a bottle of Coca-Cola (preferably the cane sugar formula from Mexico) over the mixture. Stir thoroughly and eat.

Have you vomited yet?

Unfortunately, there's newbie writers out there who would do exactly as I say because I'm a published writer. If you tell them the truth, they think your lying. But if you lie to them, they lap it up. So here are my answers from now on:

How do I write a book?

Hire someone on Fiverr for $100 to write it for you.

What if the middle part sucks?

Pay someone from Fiverr $1,000 to fix your shit.

How many times do I need to rewrite the book before I submit it to a publisher?

At least twenty times.

What if I can't come up with any ideas?

Pay someone on Fiverr $100 for five outlines.

How do I get readers' attention?

Pay me $100, and I'll tell you.

How do I market my books?

Pay me $10,000, and I'll do everything for you.

What if I don't want to do any of this shit? I just want my name on a book and see it on a shelf in Barnes and Noble.

Pay me $1,000,000, and I'll make it happen.


Let me know if you want to take me up on any of these offers. I could use the cash.