Why Male Geeks Can't Get Laid

Psst! Yeah, you with the latest issue of Wolverine. C'mere. Yeah, I know I have breasts. But I'm trying to help you.

See that girl over there? The one you just dissed for wearing glasses, lacking boobs, and not being hot enough? Loud enough to your friends, hoping to drive her out of the comic book store. You realize you missed your chance, don't you? She would have made you a nice girlfriend. She would have made your first time extra special.

Oh, please. Hate to tell you, kid, but I'm nearly fifty. Yeah, that does mean I'm older than your mom. It also means I can smell a virgin a mile away.

Don't give me that load of shit. The only experience you have is with your hand. I can see the blisters.

Let me point something out to you. The girls you fantasize about? The cheerleaders and the super models? They're not going to fuck you until you're my age. Even then, the only reason they will sleep with you is because of your fat bank account. And guess what? They're going to make fun of the things you love, like The Avengers and Star Wars and Firefly, behind your back.

That girl? She wouldn't make fun of you. Why? Because she loves the same shit you do. If you wanted to see the midnight showing of Guardians of the Galaxy, she'd be with you, carrying the jumbo tub of popcorn and your favorite candy. If you said, "Let's go to the Emerald City Comic Con," she'd be on her laptop buying con tickets and booking the flight. If you admitted your secret sex fantasy, she'd find that Catwoman costume and take whip lessons for you.

For you, doofus.

And guess what? It''s never going to happen now because you decided to be an asshole.

This is relatively minor. You have the chance to change. Yourself. Your perspective.

Maybe you go up to the girl and admit you were an asshole and apologize. Maybe she says you can make it up to her by buying her a slice at the pizzeria next door. And you two eat and talk and debate Kirk versus Picard, but you both admit you secretly liked Sisko best.

And fifteen years later, you two want to introduce your kids to the passion that is Comic Con geekdom. Your family dresses up as the Fantastic Four, and you're having a great time until some pimply faced boy makes a lewd comment about your daughter's Invisible Woman costume.

What are you going to do then?

Hopefully, you'll pull the kid aside and give him the same advice I'm giving you right now. Maybe he'll actually listen, like you did when I talked to you fifteen years ago.

If you catch him harassing your daughter or any other girl at the con again, then by all means, beat the shit out of him. But come get me first. I'll hold the asshole down with my walker.

* * *

This essay is in response to Cherry City Comic Con's director Mark Martin belittling female attendees' security concerns. Piece of advice, folks: don't ever mock your paying customers on social media.