The End of the Novel?

Last winter, I did a Zoom session on writing a novel. One of the questions an attendee asked me left me a little puzzled.

How do you know when you've reached the end of your novel?

I fumbled for an answer. Something along the lines of "when the problem of the story is solved". But what I was really thinking was "how can you NOT know". I had so absorbed the lesson over the last fifty-plus years that it took me a while to break things down in my head.

Over the months, I've realized some new writers get caught up in their characters try/fail cycle. The new writers aren't sufficiently upping the stakes each time to hit the climax and the denouement.

So what is the try/fail cycle? There's the three-act structure. The seven-step cycle. The hero's journey, which is broken down into 10 or 12 distinct levels, depending on who you talk to. But the important things of the ending are the climax and the denouement.

What's the denouement you ask? If you think of the novel like sex, the climax is the orgasm, and the denouement is the cuddle time. The denouement is where the author wraps up all the plot threads. Here's the weird thing--even guy readers want that cuddle time in the story. And sometimes, even the most experienced story tellers screw this up.

For example, George Lucas originally ended Star Wars with Luke and Han's return to Yavin IV after Luke blew up the Death Star. Test audiences hated it! Why? Because George left R2-D2's injuries unresolved, and the hugs between the heroes was too short. So he added the medal ceremony. R2 is fine, and the guys get public acknowledgement by Princess Leia for their heroism.

A sci-fi novel I read a few years ago had an even worse ending that George's original finale for Star Wars. The heroes were bebopping along,trying to save a planetary official from assassination. At what should have been the climax, they called a buddy on the planet where the assassination was supposed to occur, and the buddy stopped the bad guys. I almost performed the proverbial "throw the book across the room" at that ending. I didn't, only because I was reading it on my antique Kindle. Ironically, the denouement would have worked perfectly if the writer in question hadn't effed up the climax.

So if you're writing a novel, you need both a decent climax involving the actual protagonist(s) of your story and a decent wrap-up. Neither has to be all roses and sunshine. If you've ever watched the movie Se7en, it has a perfect ending despite the sad and hopeless feeling.

However, I suggest watching that one during the daylight hours.

Star Wars Trivia

Monday Movie Mania - Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

The family went to see Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker on Christmas Day. Frankly, it's taken me some time to come to grips with my disappointment.

You need to remember something--I was eleven when the original Star Wars debuted in theaters in May of 1977. It became the common denominator between all the kids in my grade school. At a time when adult movies were gritty and depressing or the kids' movies talked down to us, Star Wars was flat-out fun.

The start of the disappointment comes from comparing two different subdivisions under the Disney umbrella. Marvel's Kevin Feige allowed individual writers and directors incorporate different personalities in the MCU without diverging from the overarching theme and plot.

However, Kathleen Kennedy at Lucasfilm didn't seem to have that kind of a reach or control over her directors and writers. The only one of the new films meshed with the original trilogy, and that was Rogue One.

But this should have been the ultimate coda to the saga. . .


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SPOILERS


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PROS
1) J.J. Abrams probably didn't write the epilogue ending because it was perfect. Rey going to the Lars homestead to literally bury the ghosts of the past. And her answer when someone asks who she is? It's all about making your own destiny instead of living under the shadow of the past.

2) The insinuation at the end of the battle that Rey, Finn, and Poe become a thruple. I really don't give a damn about Reylo. It was never going to work, and Ben had to die for his sins just like his grandfather.


CONS
1) Holy Thoth! Where to begin? Let's start with chopping Rose Tico out of pretty much the entire movie to appease the alt-right fanboys. She should have been this trilogies' Lando Calrissian, the potential rival for Finn's affections for Rey and Poe. Nope, let's just shove her in a corner.

2) Another MacGuffin? Seriously? This time, it was a stupid Sith knife and map that made no difference to the plot.

3) Inserting Leia awkwardly into the narrative. Why not admit General Organa was dead in the beginning scrawl? I don't have a problem with her Force ghost showing up at the end, but the scenes with Carrie were awkward as fuck.

4) The prick-waving one-upmanship between The Last Jedi writer/director Rian Johnson and J.J. Abrams. Part of this goes back to Kathleen Kennedy having no control when it comes to the Lucasfilm universe. But eighty per cent of it rests squarely on the two men trying rewrite each other's visions for the Star Wars universe instead of working together.

5) Breaking the in-unverse rules. Especially those regarding hyperspace travel. Again. It goes back to CON #4's dude-bro pricking-waving.

6) Can we get any more phallic than Rey running Kylo Ren through with her lightsaber? Then healing the little shit makes him turn a new leaf? That had to have been the most unearned moment in the movie.

7) Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious is back with no fucking explanation as to how he survived the fall down the shaft, much less the explosion of the second Death Star.

8) The totally icky, skeevy moment between Lando and Jannah. If she's supposed to be his daughter, why not have Lando fucking say his daughter was kidnapped? Otherwise, the optics in the #METOO makes it just EEEEWWWW!

9) Oh, and speaking of the emperor, where the hell did that fleet come from?

10) And first Rey's a nobody, but then she's the granddaughter of Palpatine? Which brings me to--if Disney's going to erase the SWEU from continuity, then fucking do something original instead of pulling storylines from the SWEU and then doing half-assed things with them!


Okay, I stopping there before I give myself an aneurysm. Once again, J.J. Abrams threw cool shit from the original trilogy at the screen in an incoherent mess. If you haven't seen it in theaters, don't bother going. Wait until it's out on Blu-Ray or there's a Star Wars weekend on TNT.

Overall, I reluctantly give Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker 5 stars out of 10.

Stay on Target! Stay on Target!

Red Leader's Force ghost has been hovering over me lately, extorting me to, of course, "Stay on target!"

While finishing Hero Ad Hoc doesn't compare to blowing up the Death Star, I find myself running into the same trap of fear Red Squadron faced in their attack. I'd hoped to finish the novel last week when I had some relatively free time.

But doctor appointments start up again today. In fact, I've probably been to my first appointment and gone by the time you read this. And I'm beginning to feel like I'm never going to finish this damn book.

I've even resorted to working on Hero De Novo and another unnamed project just to feel like I'm moving forward. It's only a hundred to two hundred words every day or so, but it is enough to spur me back to Hero Ad Hoc.

Normally, I'd chalk up my reluctance to finish to my usual "don't want the story to end" mindset. However, the majority of this book was written after my breast cancer diagnosis.

Yep, a mere fifty thousand words in the last three months. Which is low for me, but hey! Given the circumstances, that's actually pretty good!

I don't know if it's superstition, premonition, or what, but I feel like something's going to happen when I finish this book.

Like everything's going to change.

Which is weird because life is constant change.

It is fear, but a different type of dread. I wish I knew what the hell Red Leader was really trying to tell me. As Luke Skywalker can tell you, Force ghosts are rarely clear in their exhortations and even less cooperative.

Unless it's Yoda blowing up the frickin' Tree of Knowledge.

Monday Movie Mania - Solo: A Star Wars Story

This is the movie those of us who were kids when Star Wars came out have been waiting for! Rogue One was good; Solo is excellent.

We won't talk about Episodes VII and VIII.


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SPOILERS


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PROS
1) Bringing in Ron Howard as director to complete the movie was a smart decision. Ron GETS Star Wars!

2) Phobe Waller-Bridge wins my vote for favorite new character as Lando's subversive love interest.

3) Donald Glover was delicious as Lando.

4) John Powell's score with its nods to John Williamson's originals gives the film a true classic feel.

5) The fabulous surprise cameo from someone from the Phantom Menace.

6) HAN SHOT FIRST!


CONS
1) Alden Ehrenreich wasn't bad, but I think Taron Egerton would have been a better choice as the new Han Solo.

2) Emilia Clarke's Qi'ra felt too much like Daenerys from Game of Thrones.

3) A few too many "why the hell did they do that" holes in the plot (or maybe I've been writing fiction too fucking long).


Overall, Solo earns its 9.5 stars out of 10.

Monday Movie Mania - The Last Jedi

The best thing Disney did was have someone else besides J.J. Abrams take over Episode VIII. Rian Johnson wrote and directed a movie that had an actual beginning, middle and end. He followed the same formula used in The Empire Strikes Back, i.e. our heroes meet a dark and terrible moment, and they question their true purpose and its cost.

Unfortunately, Rian also made some very basic storytelling mistakes. Even more unfortunate is Lucasfilm released Colin Trevorrow (Jurassic World) and brought back J.J. to write and direct Episode IX. J.J. can come up with some incredible concepts, but the man can't write a coherent ending to save his life.

But going back to The Last Jedi, it was a MUCH better film than The Force Awakens. That in and of itself made my day. I only went to the theater for it because this was Carrie Fisher's very last role. Despite her personal demons, I've always loved her acting and writing abilities.


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!!SPOILERS!!


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PROS
1) The completion of Luke's story arc. He returns to the isolated screw-up, severely lacking in self-confidence person we met in the original Star Wars until he finds one last act of courage to save his sister and their friends.

2) Luke's promise that he'd see Kylo Ren/Ben Organa-Solo. A hint that he'll be a Force ghost haunting the kid?

3) The secret return of a certain Jedi Master who has one last lesson to impart on his last student.

4) Kylo/Ben's arc in becoming the Sith master. Adam Driver fucking rocks in this role. Frankly, he would have made a better Anakin than Hadyn Christensen.

5) The total silence when Vice-Admiral Holdo took out the First Order ships.

5) The hints that other Force users are coming into existence to counter the rise of Kylo Ren to Sith Master.

6) The lovely callbacks to the original trilogy.

7) PORGS!


CONS
1) Finn and Rose's sidetrip meant absolutely nothing to the overall story. There's a storytelling principle called Chekov's gun that states every element of the story must be necessary. And this subplot was so totally unnecessary, but apparently they couldn't come up with a better idea for a confrontation between Phasma and Finn.

2) Speaking of Finn and Rose's sidetrip, the stupid flower pin was the worst Macguffin ever in a Lucas-related movie.

3) The incredible total fucking waste of the fabulous Benicio Del Toro!

4) The incredible total fucking waste of the marvelous Lupita Nyong'o!

5) The incredible total fucking waste of Admiral Ackbar's death!

6) The fact that Vice-Admiral Holdo didn't come up with her fabulous idea using one of the evacuated support cruisers.

7) Speaking of Holdo and Ackbar, why wouldn't he have been the one to sacrifice himself to save the Resistance?

8) Using Rose to try to kill fan 'shipping of Finn and Poe, or trying to create a love triangle between Rose-Finn-Rey. Either way, it kind of pissed me off.


The Last Jedi was a more complete story than The Force Awakens, but it could have a hell of a lot better. Overall, I give it 7.5 stars out of 10.

The George Lucas Effect

In the old days of movie-making and publishing, the original creator didn't have a whole lot of control over the final packaging of the product. There was only one version of a movie or a book. We didn't have the director's cut or the extended version or the author's preferred text.

In some ways, that control is a good thing. The extended version of Suicide Squad makes a hell of a lot more sense than the theatrical version. The same with the author's preferred text of American Gods. Both of these expand on the original versions without changing the essential character of the work.

Then there's George Lucas.

*sigh* He's changed the original version of Star Wars so many times it's become an embarrassment. The most egregious of these changes is the "Who shot first" question. By changing the Han-Greedo confrontation, George turned Han from a bad-ass space pirate to TSTL joke.

And therein lies one of the dangers to any artist who cannot let their work stand on its own merit. By trying to "fix" something, which was frankly the best possible art for your age and/or experience, you can end up ruining it.

First of all, I would hope that ALL artists improve as they practice their craft. And most of us do.

The problem is when we look at our first works, our older selves see how amateurish our older work is. To us. The mistakes and miscues are glaring. To us. And there's a part of us that wants to "fix" the problem so we don't look too stupid. To us.

Unfortunately, "fixing" those problems insults our readers. What we're really telling them is "You're such an idiot for buying and loving my shit work".

The other side is maybe our work wasn't shit to begin with. Sometimes, it's the inner or outer critic who enjoys pissing on your art really talking. And that's someone you want to ignore.

So what brought this up?

I'm going through the paperback proofs of my novels. Yes, there's some typos that weren't caught by any of the five editors or myself six years ago when the book was first published. But that's akin to when the boom mike accidentally gets caught in the shot. With today's digital processes, boom mikes can be edited out of the film. Typos can be fixed.

But what you really need to do is resist the urge to change the story itself. You do your fans a disservice by telling them the story they loved is "wrong". You do yourself a disservice by not acknowledging and accepting you have grown as an artist. And you turn into the crazy politicians who want to redefine "truth" every time Winston Smith blinks.

When you're looking at your older works, resist the urge to change shit. Otherwise, you could turn your hero from a badass to TSTL, and that ruins the story for everyone. Relish the imperfection because they show your path as an artist!

What Is Literature?

Literature

Definition:

(1) writings in prose or verse

(2) written works, especially those considered of superior or lasting artistic merit

Origin - late Middle English (in the sense ‘knowledge of books’): via French from Latin litteratura, from littera (see letter).

For some reason, the difference between literature considered worthwhile and literature not considered worthwhile has been making the social media rounds over the last couple of days.

First, the magazine Bon Appétit made the mistake of posting this tweet on Twitter:

Nothing like insulting all us romance writers and readers who cook. And really, Bon Appétit? Slut shaming? After how many millions of people read Fifty Shades of Gray openly and publicly with the ORIGINAL COVER!

Bon Appétit has since changed the post:

Say it with yet again, ladies and gentlemen: THE INTERNET IS FOREVER!

Hybrid writer Bob Mayer then blogged about an NYT opinion piece that debated whether elitism or populism is more harmful to the arts. After reading the piece, I have to agree with Bob. The initial premise is like asking which smells worse: dog farts or cat farts.

And yesterday morning, Kris Rusch talked about the same issue in her weekly business blog. Ms. Rusch compared the indie revolution with the post-WWII increase in paperback publishers. The question she proposed: was there such a thing as a "good" book or a "bad" book?

To answer Ms. Rusch's  question: no, I don't think there's any such thing as a "good" or "bad" book. Oh, sure, there may be a difference between technically good or bad writing.

For example, look at how Yoda talks in the Star Wars. Standard English generally follows the subject-verb-object rule. Yet, Yoda's speech pattern generally uses object-subject-verb order.

Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is.

Now if everyone in Star Wars spoke like Yoda, the writer can be properly castigated for abusing the English language, i.e. bad writing. However, Yoda's speech pattern emphasizes his alien-ness. This isn't a guy who thinks like the rest of us, so it's actually an example of good writing. The writer breaks the rules on purpose to create a specific effect in the consumer.

But when someone breaks down stories, or in this case books, into "good" and "bad" categories, it comes from their desire for power and control.

The actually reasons for desiring this control vary. The Bon Appétit issue stems from "good" girls cook for their men, whereas "bad" girls read smutty books, i.e. the desire to control female sexuality.

Trad publishers have lost a great deal of control in the industry. They are losing a ton of money for three reasons:

1) some writers who were trad published no longer submit manuscripts to them and are making money by going indie,
2) some writers have never submitted to them, and
3) some writers submitting to them haven't reached the technical proficiency need yet.

As a result, trad publishers claim that indie books aren't quality because they haven't been properly vetted.

Since the same corporations that own the big trad publishers also own the newspapers and magazines that do a lot of reviewing, things like the opinion piece in the NYT get published in order to shame readers into reading the "good" books, i.e. the same books our co-workers are publishing.

And then there's the moral police, screaming "Think of the children!"

My feeling is if you really want kids to read, give them something that interests them. I learned to read thanks to Dr. Seuss and Stan Lee. How many of moral police would be screaming about what a bad example the Cat in the Hat would be?

However, I would counter that Spider-man's "With great power comes great responsibility" would trump any bad cat influence I suffered.

Deep down though, the people who want to control what you read really want to control how you think.

Don't let them!

(And I'd be the first one to tell you to read Fifty Shades of Gray as many times as you want. ☺ )

Poor Ahmed Best Never Got Any Respect

An interview with Ahmed Best about his Star Wars character, Jar-Jar Binks. He's such a nice guy who got s*** on by the fanboys.

Monday Movie Mania - Star Wars: The Force Awakens

I think I have a split personality after watching the latest installment of the Star Wars saga. Thirteen-year-old me is ecstatic! Fifty-year-old writer me wasn't impressed.

I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it yet, so here's my only SPOILERS:

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SPOILERS


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1) I hate FUCKING CLIFF HANGERS! Unless you have a good enough story to overlook it. TESB works. TFA does not.

2) Harrison Ford finally got his wish.

3) There's a reason Mark Hamill isn't featured in the teasers. He does NOT have one FUCKING WORD of DIALOGUE!

4) Leia and Rey ROCKED!

5) J.J. Abrams kept to the spirit of the original.

I'll tell you right now. This isn't a complete story. I think that's my biggest problem with TFA. The original Star Wars had a complete story. Sure there was stuff before and stuff after, but the story as shown on the screen had complete plot and character arcs. It's why I use it an a prime example of the classic three-act structure for newbie writers.

But this? This kind half-assed of story crap is why readers hate a lot of indie writers.

So between my two personalities, I have to give Star Wars: The Force Awakens a 6 out of 10.

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P.S. There's SPOILERS in the comments, so don't read 'em if you haven't seen it!

Happy Life Day!

Remember being a kid in 1978 and desperately wanting more Star Wars?

Remember when we got the Star Wars Holiday Special at Thanksgiving?

Remember the late, great Bea Arthur arguing with aliens?

It's ba-a-a-a-ack!

Click here to watch because I wasn't allowed to embed it.

Parodies I Love

Anybody else want to see a smackdown between Elsa and Annakin?

Some Friday Fun

This cracked me up!

Why Male Geeks Can't Get Laid

Psst! Yeah, you with the latest issue of Wolverine. C'mere. Yeah, I know I have breasts. But I'm trying to help you.

See that girl over there? The one you just dissed for wearing glasses, lacking boobs, and not being hot enough? Loud enough to your friends, hoping to drive her out of the comic book store. You realize you missed your chance, don't you? She would have made you a nice girlfriend. She would have made your first time extra special.

Oh, please. Hate to tell you, kid, but I'm nearly fifty. Yeah, that does mean I'm older than your mom. It also means I can smell a virgin a mile away.

Don't give me that load of shit. The only experience you have is with your hand. I can see the blisters.

Let me point something out to you. The girls you fantasize about? The cheerleaders and the super models? They're not going to fuck you until you're my age. Even then, the only reason they will sleep with you is because of your fat bank account. And guess what? They're going to make fun of the things you love, like The Avengers and Star Wars and Firefly, behind your back.

That girl? She wouldn't make fun of you. Why? Because she loves the same shit you do. If you wanted to see the midnight showing of Guardians of the Galaxy, she'd be with you, carrying the jumbo tub of popcorn and your favorite candy. If you said, "Let's go to the Emerald City Comic Con," she'd be on her laptop buying con tickets and booking the flight. If you admitted your secret sex fantasy, she'd find that Catwoman costume and take whip lessons for you.

For you, doofus.

And guess what? It''s never going to happen now because you decided to be an asshole.

This is relatively minor. You have the chance to change. Yourself. Your perspective.

Maybe you go up to the girl and admit you were an asshole and apologize. Maybe she says you can make it up to her by buying her a slice at the pizzeria next door. And you two eat and talk and debate Kirk versus Picard, but you both admit you secretly liked Sisko best.

And fifteen years later, you two want to introduce your kids to the passion that is Comic Con geekdom. Your family dresses up as the Fantastic Four, and you're having a great time until some pimply faced boy makes a lewd comment about your daughter's Invisible Woman costume.

What are you going to do then?

Hopefully, you'll pull the kid aside and give him the same advice I'm giving you right now. Maybe he'll actually listen, like you did when I talked to you fifteen years ago.

If you catch him harassing your daughter or any other girl at the con again, then by all means, beat the shit out of him. But come get me first. I'll hold the asshole down with my walker.

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This essay is in response to Cherry City Comic Con's director Mark Martin belittling female attendees' security concerns. Piece of advice, folks: don't ever mock your paying customers on social media.

Want Something Better than Episode VII?

Freddie Mercury would have loved this!

May the Fourth Be With You!

If you don't get it, then you're a Sith!

Colors of Lightsabres

Star Wars Day is Sunday. What color and style of lightsabre would you use?

Videos I've Been Watching Lately

Eddie Izzard's Death Star Cantina routine set to Legos.

Videos I've Been Watching Lately

Nothing like a little Stormtrooper twerking...at least, until the boss shows up.

26 Days of Christmas - Suggestion for Boys

Legos has been putting out a Star Wars Advent Calendar for the last three years. If you have a hard to shop for tween boy, these are a big hit!

(Actually, my twenty-year-old nephew likes playing with them, too.)