How I Broke a Toilet Seat - Twice

I swear the stupidest things happen to me. I've broken two toilet seats in the half-bath at our house. And my husband finally asked what the hell I was doing in the bathroom.

Let's start at the beginning. I was born on a Saturday-- 

Wait. That's a different story. Let's try again.

Twelve years ago, we moved to Ohio. (It's relevant. Trust me.) At the time, I was having some serious health issues. And because of those issues I ballooned up to 285 lbs.

Now, I've had eating issues all my life. For reasons. Most of them due to misogyny. I'm also not a little woman even when I was super thin in college. But this time, the weight gain had nothing to do with my mental issues and everything to do with my broken endocrine system.

Between the cancer, some new diabetes drugs, and yoga, I'm down to 235 lbs. Great, right?

Well, two years ago, I sat on the half-bath toilet to do my business and the seat cracked on the right side. DH had already gone to bed. It was three in the morning. No stores were open to get a replacement before DH gets up.

Yes, all of this went through my head as I washed my hands,

When I woke up and stumbled to the kitchen later that afternoon, DH asked what happened to the half-bath toilet. I told him I broke it. When he didn't day anything more, I asked, "Don't you want to know how I broke it?"

He said, "Nope."

DH bought a new toilet seat a couple of days later and replaced the broken one. And that was the end of it.

Or so I thought.

Until Thursday night.

And it happened again. I went to the bathroom. A crack on the right side of the toilet seat. This time, it was about two a.m. There wasn't anything I could do about it, so I went to bed.

I woke up on Saturday, do my usual morning drill, and headed for the kitchen.

DH looks up at me from whatever he was reading on his phone with an odd look. "Okay, this time I'm asking. What the hell are doing in the bathroom to crack a heavy-duty toilet seat in half? Were you standing on it?"

"No, I wasn't." I couldn't help being defensive because this was embarrassing as hell.

"Then what happened?"

"The truth?"

He gave me an incredulous look. "Yes, the truth!"

"I was sitting on toilet to do number two, and it broke."

"What?"

I repeated what I said.

"I don't understand. How...?"

"Females need to wipe front to back because poop in your vagina--"

He waves me off like I'm a plane about to land on the wrong runway. "I know, I know. Get to the breaking part.

"I wipe with my left hand, so I lean a little to the right." I shrugged. "And crack."

 "So you're putting your weight on your right hip and that breaks the toilet seat?"

Now, I'm starting to get angry. "Hey, I've lost fifty pounds! And when I was nearly 300, we were living in the apartment with those super flimsy seats, and this never happened!"

And I hear what I'm saying. Then I totally lose it. I laughed so hard both dogs were giving me concerned looks. DH started laughing, too.

"At least, it wasn't Taco Bell explosive diarrhea," he said. And we laughed even harder.

On Saturday, we picked up a new toilet seat. Once I get my words done for today, I'll pull off the old seat and install the new.

And keep my fingers crossed I don't break this one.